rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
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Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.