rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
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I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
only kind of dinner drama i approve of
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.