Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.

DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…

When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.

I should probably buy him something soon.

I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.

Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…

A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT

-worms on Twitter

a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions

Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*

HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.

*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*

ME: I also have big news.

[presidents 2km race – finish line]

OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?

CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11

I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE

I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**

*me
**National Cheesecake Day

hmmmmmm

Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.

*flies away with my broom*

work smarter, not harder

Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine

i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”

my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends

@DaddyJew @funTweeters

Alarm: I have boyfriend

Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!

Cashier: Gimme shake

Customer: *offers paw*

Cashier: Good…here’s your order!

-McDogald’s

Me: Do you have homework?

11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?

What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!

*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.

*Returns to couch.

*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.

Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.

HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?

Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?

HR: What?

Me: You can fix that right here, right now

Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.

Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”

I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.

Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…