Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.

7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?

You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.

My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”

Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye

Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?

Original Oreos.

Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.

My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”

Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.

My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.

Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.

You: Wow, check out that cool dog

Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area

a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.

[arriving at the international space station]

other astronaut: so how are things down there

me: a bit chafed tbh

Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up

wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs

I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.

If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?

“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”

~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership

i was at dumbass island and everyone knew you lol. why was i at dumbass island? uh well uhhh. well. well uhhhh. fuck. uhhhh

Batman v Dracula

Taking phone security to the next level.

professor x: what’s your power

me: time travel and a full head of hair lol

professor x: get out

[5 seconds later]

professor x: what’s your power

me, wearing a hat: time travel

mugger: gimme all your cash

me: lmao my what

Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.

When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.