Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[arrives in heaven]

how’d you die?

me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire

1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*

[job interview]

How did you lose your last job?

“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”

Sir, this is McDonald’s.

If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.

Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.

My tombstone will probably read

“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”

Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough

me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda

Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.

me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?

son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn

The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing

When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off

You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.

WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys

ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?

Nobody puts baby in a corndog.

JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—

ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce

What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE

We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:

-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40

More info soon.

It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.

Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.

Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter

{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?

This is enough internet for the day.

I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool

I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.

Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.

Chess with Australians must get so confusing.

“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”

Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.

I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.