Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
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The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
#inspiration #foodforthought
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it