Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.

These people at work keep interrupting my naps.

I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.

I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.

Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.

if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo

Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.

Me:

One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master

I get Bi with a little help from my friends.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-

TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now

bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point

If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back

Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?

Me:

i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.

Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.

I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.

my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.

[produce section, grocery store]

Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?

contortionist: what’s wrong?

proctologist: your head’s in the way

I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.

*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook

[home depot]

ME: do you have marble counters?

CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9

ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000

23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.

Stranger: Twitter is awful.

Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.

Stranger: But there are bad people…

Me: Sure, I just block them.

Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.

Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).

Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.

Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.

My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence

Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.