Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Romantically carries pizza over threshold

Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.

Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?

I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…

hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concerned

let’s talk

Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.

Me: Can you take off the avocado?

Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.

What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.

–my dog

Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather

Me:

Her:

Me: you study whether what?

I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?

ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist

LOUIS: uh, race car driver

ME: that too

“I’m not racist but…” – Britain

[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms

Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment

Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school

My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.

Me: can I buy you a drink?

Girl: no

Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right

I get sad when I see how old people my age are.

Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.

The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.

“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!

~Vodka

whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.

I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle

in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground

If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works

Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?

Her: White male, early 40s, overweight

Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky

I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.

Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”

[stranded on Mars journal]

day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days

day 2: I ate rob

Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”