Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
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To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?
me: marry a chiropractor
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.