Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma

My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.

Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.

doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]

you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.

Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*

Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!

If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff

I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”

cat vs inanimate object

Wife: Did you hear what I said?

Me: No, I was in a different room.

Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?

Me: …

‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.

Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.

fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake

me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?

fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?

Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.

[at a store]

Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?

*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*

Clerk: Well, they’re polarized

I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet

When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.

*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!

I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.

I mean, why knot?

#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes

I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.

[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*

How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.

This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin

6yo: *non stop talking*

Me: *tells 6yo to go read*

6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*

I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.

wife: what time is it

me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch

Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?

When my 6yo is mad at us, he changes our avatars on the Nintendo Switch. Right now my husband’s name is Poop and I look like I ask to speak to managers.

The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason