I’ve spent the better part of my marriage battling to get these two strings inside my wife’s shirt to actually stay on this hanger
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
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How loud can you talk?
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
I casually mentioned to my cat that I’ve petted many animals in my time, and she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said “How many?”
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
12: “Why don’t girls like playing dodgeball?”
Because we don’t like getting hit by balls.
12: *giggles for 5 minutes*
You are so my child