If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
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1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
“What if something fell off your glass every time you picked it up? That’d be great.”
– The inventor of coasters
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*