@AimeeHelene1

Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.

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@Phook75

I’ve spent the better part of my marriage battling to get these two strings inside my wife’s shirt to actually stay on this hanger

@Daveastated

[During quarantine]

Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.

Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?

@CaptainJerkwad

“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.

“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.

@DrakeGatsby

them: your tweet is missing a word

me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?

@midnight_cowboi

When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.

@markleggett

I casually mentioned to my cat that I’ve petted many animals in my time, and she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said “How many?”

@KattsDogma

The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.

@SnizzleFrizzle

12: “Why don’t girls like playing dodgeball?”

Because we don’t like getting hit by balls.

12: *giggles for 5 minutes*

You are so my child