@AimeeHelene1

Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.

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@dumbbeezie

If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms

@GrantTanaka

1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent

@BoweKnows

Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?

@geowizzacist

(Outside at dusk)

Wife: Lovely evening.

Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.

@KalvinMacleod

I have Facebook like reflexes.

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

*throws a book and hits you right in the face*

@pstamato

“What if something fell off your glass every time you picked it up? That’d be great.”
– The inventor of coasters

@7_Cents

Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*

Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*

@SortaBad

“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs