Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
You Might Also Like
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?