@AimeeHelene1

Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.

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@Chloestylo

When someone sneezes, I whisper, “Goes in tight..” It’s actually German for “Bless you”, but it sounds so naughty.

@Brianhopecomedy

My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.

@SardonicWldfire

Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.

@whereami18

Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.

@KittyShittyy

*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*

@EJGomez

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run

@Blueorsomething

This restraining order says I have to stay 100 yards away, but this telescope makes it feel like I’m right in your bedroom with you.

@rickkondell

Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming