Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
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I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
is nasa ok
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket