Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
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them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
“A little help here, Danny?”
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Brands during Pride
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…
It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
[My first day as an architecture major]
*raises hand*
When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that