Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
You Might Also Like
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.
BANK MANAGER: Get out!