Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
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Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
S O O N
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.