Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.

I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?

I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up

You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction

Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless

Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go

Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit

me: I invited my boss to dinner

her: I thought you hated him

me: I didn’t have any choice

my boss: should I leave?

I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“

My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE

My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?

sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day

“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”

Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend

My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…

And then eat seven dinners.

me: what’s the best way to get healthy?

doctor: diet and exercise

me: what’s the next best?

[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]

Board: B A L L

Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!

Board: T R E A T S

Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.

Tech support: *sigh*

Fine. Right click on your hamster…

DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]

[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,

If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.

I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.

I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms

I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.

wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed

Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying

Brother: They’re speaking Korean!

Mom: Shhh

Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?

Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”

[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!

Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.

Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.

I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.

Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.

The police never think its as funny as you do.