Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’
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Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…