Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?

Luke: Did you get the card I made you?

Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.

Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.

[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]

[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame

Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.

ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle

So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.

It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us

That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.

son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult

Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no

Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity

Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.

LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.

Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!

Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.

Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.

My spirit animal is fried chicken

I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.

I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.

The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.

I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.

Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.

Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:

Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.

You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.

Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.

I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow

My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.

Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?

Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome

ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her

Wife: can you pick up milk?

Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy

Wife: I mean from the store

Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too