Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea

Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.

Dragon: This is the last time.

Unicorn: Hell yeah!

Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

My dad was stingy. He was born with a cheap on his shoulder.

Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox

Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*

I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.

Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.

Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.

My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.

“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”

My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.

gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors

My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old

She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.

My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.

By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.

Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?

Me: Absolutely.

*gel pack explodes*

Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.

[group therapy]

IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist

[others nod]

ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone

[screaming]

[Ian pukes]

god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!

jesus: ya dad?

god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.

Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?

Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.

The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up

If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.

waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined

me: run it again

waiter: i ran it three times

me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?

her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again

terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: i said come with me if

me: i heard you the first time

New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?

Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?

Loan Officer: Denied

Me: maybe this will change your mind

*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*

Me: *catching my breath* well??

Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not

I have caller ID for the front door.

If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.

me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval

date: that seems like a lot

me: parking garage actually

date: what

me: what