repaired
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When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers