repaired
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Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
If it me or does the name Mark Ruffalo sound like something a dog would say if it starting talking?
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade