Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
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If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Life hack
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?