Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”

I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears

H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?

Me: I can’t afford a face lift.

Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.

It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.

I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.

I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.

This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.

i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times

Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.

Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*

While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.

i installed a ceiling fan in my room

I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.

My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.

[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.

i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever

This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.

The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.

“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.

My wife: am I beautiful?

Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat

🥴😂

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you

for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.

if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap

Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.