Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken

Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.

“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.

[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around

[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second

SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery

[me 3 months later]

I think he had a brewery

choose your fighter(holiday edition)

Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”

I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.

Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp

It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices

I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.

Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.

If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.

[at a football game]

my kid: can i get a giant foam finger

me: no

my kid: why not

me: because you already ate three of them at halftime

Me: I hate it when people make me wait.

Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.

I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.

i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”

FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die

I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.

The Mayor in Jaws was right.

Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”

“Who made that decision?”

“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”

Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.

He seems to be following some sort of pattern.

Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.

Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER

ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.

I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.

Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.

i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.

I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.

Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.

The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!

I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.

*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.