[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
You Might Also Like
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
I don’t hate children, just yours.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”