[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
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Current mood: Potato
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions