@MarfSalvador

[repeatedly mashing elevator button]

him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker

[starts licking elevator button]

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@FredTaming

prosecutor: why did you murder that man

me: i thought he was cake

prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?

me:

prosecutor:

me: i hoped he was cake

@naaman

Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns

The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids

@mommymemeoirs

My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.

@delusions_of

When I go to the gym I reward myself by not going back for a couple weeks.

@ThisOneSayz

Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.

@Jordan_Morris

Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”

@2thestreetz

*lights scented candle*

*accidentally burns down house*

*everyone agreed that it smelled amazing*

@JasonLight73

At this point you can get more Gas for your $5 bill at a Taco Bell than you can at a Shell Station

@radtoria

Whoever decided to use pantyhose as a bank robbing disguise must have had one hell of a speech to convince his buds to follow along.