@MarfSalvador

[repeatedly mashing elevator button]

him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker

[starts licking elevator button]

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@d_duhwit

Car salesman: and it has a back up camera
Me: Cool, where’s the main camera?
Cs: Sorry no this is for backing up
Me: Ah, to the cloud
Cs: no

@Imnotsurehow

A sure fire way to lose a afternoon, is to help a friend out when he says “come on it will only take a half hour to fix”

@WilliamAder

When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.

@Shenaniglenns

[first day as a sports announcer]

*clears throat*

*taps mic twice*

Me: sprots

@Parentpains

Sometimes you just need to reach out and touch someone. With a shovel. On the side of the head.

@chris_isloi

The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.

@taramae72

I just had a nun tell me she loves rum and coke, and that she doesn’t have a beer belly… it’s a “rummy tummy.”

You’re welcome.

@TheBoydP

“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”

~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out

@HomeProbably

Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.

This is not a coincidence.