[repeatedly mashing elevator button]

him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker

[starts licking elevator button]

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prosecutor: why did you murder that man

me: i thought he was cake

prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?



me: i hoped he was cake


Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns

The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids


My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.


When I go to the gym I reward myself by not going back for a couple weeks.


Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.


Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”


*lights scented candle*

*accidentally burns down house*

*everyone agreed that it smelled amazing*


At this point you can get more Gas for your $5 bill at a Taco Bell than you can at a Shell Station


Whoever decided to use pantyhose as a bank robbing disguise must have had one hell of a speech to convince his buds to follow along.