[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
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Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.