Car salesman: and it has a back up camera
Me: Cool, where’s the main camera?
Cs: Sorry no this is for backing up
Me: Ah, to the cloud
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
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A sure fire way to lose a afternoon, is to help a friend out when he says “come on it will only take a half hour to fix”
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*taps mic twice*
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Sometimes you just need to reach out and touch someone. With a shovel. On the side of the head.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
I just had a nun tell me she loves rum and coke, and that she doesn’t have a beer belly… it’s a “rummy tummy.”
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.