[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
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Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.