Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
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Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Please, I am begging you.
Stop looking at weird sh*t on your company-issued laptops.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.
I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Breaking news:
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?