Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.

My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.

The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.

*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*

I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?

just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot

Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?

I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.

Invention idea:

Written versions of audio books.

[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf

Goodyear: tires

Badyear: 2020

If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.

If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.

I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…

My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.

I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?

[at ultrasound]

Wife: omg so what is it?

Me: it’s a baby.

Wife: I know that.

Me: then why did you ask?

Wife:

Doctor: yes then why did you ask?

Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.

If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.

What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??

Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.

My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.

Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit

Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?

Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?

I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”

girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death

Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.

Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.

Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.

You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.