Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
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I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok