Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.

Found something new to say when I leave a room.

For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.

WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:

•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.

Me: *points at romantic relationships*

God: *slaps my hand* NO

Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb

Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.

coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name

Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.

Told her not to worry, someone else will.

Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.

Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane

Judge: you’re representing yourself

I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.

A very wise man once said: “If you just want to be safe, don’t get out of bed, don’t get in your car, don’t do anything. At some point, you’re going to have to take some risk.” And that same man built a defective submarine that exploded at the bottom of the ocean

Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!

Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.

I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.

Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.

plums roundup

I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.

*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?

Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U

*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*

ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,

ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?

I stopped carrying a grudge

Weigh me now

I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes

I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.

1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?

-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation

[My 8yo looking for something]

OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.

That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that

*opening a bag of chips*

Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library

Me: It’s my emotional support snack