Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse

Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.

Me ending every email:

THanks!

THanks{backspace}

THank{backspace}

THan{backspace}

THa{backspace}

TH{backspace}

Thanks!

i married for love

but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored

“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors

Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.

The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower

My chiropractor is a crack addict.

Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house

People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.

I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.

Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.

i wonder if americans realize just how much more insulting the phrase “room temperature IQ” is to those who use the metric system

whatever you do don’t give your heart away for christmas, this one dude never got his back and won’t shut up about it

Person: *yelling at me*

Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better

Person: *abruptly shutting up*

No one told me my life would become so much googling it

2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.

My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.

My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.

I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.

I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.

used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak

[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis

Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.

Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?

Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.

Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money

[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]

“Take me to your leader”

[30 minutes later]

Me: So, this is my wife…

I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere

😂😂

Me: I have a toothache.

WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.

When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver

the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!