Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it

Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.

According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.

Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?

Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.

A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.

[First Date]

Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.

[ explaining The Plan ]

jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs

god: look man, these ppl are idiots

Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?

I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo

Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder

A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge

It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.

YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut

Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about

Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?

7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten

Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?

Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressing

Saying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper

[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?

Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.

1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent

BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?

RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.

#LochteGate

too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now

doctor: are u sexually active

me: no i just sort of lay there

*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.

If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?

BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound

ARCHITECT: why

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper

ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!

*At Super Bowl Party*

Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?

Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400

Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office