Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.

Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.

Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*

Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.

hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused

It’s been a terrible year for burglars

Date: wanna get out of here?

Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti

At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.

Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!

Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*

Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*

Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*

I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.

Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.

When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.

If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.

As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.

Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired

6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down

Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?

Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder

We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.

Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook

If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it

I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.

If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.

[slowly crosses McRib off my manifesto]

[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know

Marriage: When dating goes too far.

All of the good tweets are either married or gay.

Boss: Did you get my email?

Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.

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-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.

angel 1: what are these?

angel 2: strawberries

angel 1: you forgot the seeds!

angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?

angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside

god: *passing by* ooh nice