Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.

The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.

You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.

If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.

My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.

I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.

Yet the one time I did, I got banned

I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich

Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else

People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.

[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”

Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?

My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.

At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.

me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?

him: AI?

me: AI

him: oh

A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress

*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.

MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s Day

MAR 16: middle child, left out as usual

Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it

I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.

Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor

“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it

I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.

I weigh at least 17 squirrels

I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.

Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.

My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.

me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now

Sick of people thinking the Midwest is just a bunch of small towns and cornfields when they forgot it’s also a lot of road construction, inconsistent weather, and deer that jump in front of your car