Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
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If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???