Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
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You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
“the hills are alive”
“OH MY GOD HEAD FOR THE OH NOOOO I MEAN HEAD AWAY FROM THE”
“with the sound of music”
“OH GOD THE HILLS ARE GOING TO EAT US AND ALSO THEY ARE SINGING RUN FASTER!!!!”
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
you come to me? on a friday at 4pm
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
