Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
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GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.
A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass