Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes

I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant

When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”

My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.

If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers

I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.

If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,

where would you hide it?

I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.

I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.

“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.

I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.

I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.

I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.

Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”

What personal space?

My dog

My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?

Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.

by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people

Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most

reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”

“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.

The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work

The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.

Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia

“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend

Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.

Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.

Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.

Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.

some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”

Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.

Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.