replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
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i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Covert ops
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”