replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
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Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.