replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
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[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?
Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?
Son: yes
Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
The journey of a thousand miles begins with stealing your neighbor’s car
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water