replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
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prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
me: hi do you take walk-ins?
groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?