Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
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Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
He a real one for that
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
You got this…
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
that lip filler tho
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
you have three unread messages
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
