Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
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I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy