Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not sad, I’m big moaned

friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?

me: sure

friend: does 8 sound good?

me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4

why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening

what do you want to eat?

what are you in the mood for?

I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”

*wins $1000*

To claim your prize, create an account and password.

Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.

When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.

Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.

You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.

-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult

*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.

8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.

Me: Sounds pretty legit.

People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.

That’s someone else’s problem.

-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write

“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”

Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.

“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”

– me, as a proctologist

Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.

DATE: Do you like cats?

ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?

Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot

Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby

[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this

Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?

Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?

Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by

“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world

why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”

My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.

me: orders ice cream from grubhub

driver: makes 12 stops before my house

Unsolicited sandwich pics.