*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
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We’ve all been there…
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.
Adult trick-or-treating: One house gives chocolate, the next gives wine, and the last tells me how to stop killing my plants.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
