*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
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Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting
me: you mean ‘expelled’?
7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.