*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
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Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
I’m putting together a team
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
*uses Ouija board*
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