*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
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the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
me adding lol on a serious message
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Times are tough, wanna go halfsies on this demon with me?