*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
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You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.