Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
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Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
Why is everyone getting married at me
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
it must be school picture day
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
I love you to the refrigerator and back