Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
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Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Botany good plants lately?
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.