Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills

If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.

Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.

My nice little date:

DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again

My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.

When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.

As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.

*a plane missed the runway

When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside

I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment

I have patio furniture in the friend zone.

I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)

If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.

All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.

Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.

Me: Oh that will never happen.

Him: Are you breaking up with me?

Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.

midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potential

technology:

WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?

ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!

*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*

Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—

*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*

The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?

No laws when master is gone

Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.

Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account

Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password

Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot

Me: ok ok

Computer: What was the name of your first dog?

Me: oh no

something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning

A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.

°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec

Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.

Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.

it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman

If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi

Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.

Me: Well this is awkward.

ME: I wish I could fix this problem

SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-

ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…