*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
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Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?