Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.

Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.

Me, meeting anyone from instagram.

me: salt rim please.
barista: what.

35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.

*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.

Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.

Me: Then what?

Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.

Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.

Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.

Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.

what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you

i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there

A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin

Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.

my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy

Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*

5-year-old: Who’s there?

Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.

5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?

This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode

I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.

Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.

Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.

oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife

Is Mercury still in the microwave?

My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.

My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?

Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy

Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.

So I’m basically a puffer fish now.

Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.

Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.

ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.

penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling

I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets