*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
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My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Bear
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
“What’s wrong with you?”
Me: the same things that are always wrong with me…were you expecting something new?
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Oh the world we live in…
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*