Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None – it’s a hardware problem.

Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?

How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…

~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.

Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.

12yo: I can hear you.

If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out

HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.

If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.

Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon

Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’

A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.

I’m all “class”.

The first two letters really aren’t necessary.

[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go first

Date: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?

Me: Should male sheep be called heep?

describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys

deleting my mental health to focus on social media

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs

I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.

You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist

When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.

I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.

mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.

The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’

6 weeks. lol.

“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me

99 bottles of beer on the wall?

Challenge accepted

I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.

Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?

Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails

Delighted to report that we have a 100% safety record so far this yea… never mind.

just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy

Judge: Call your next witness

Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips

Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in

My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂

[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.