*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
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Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose