Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”

Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*

if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm

If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them

It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.

coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing

Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…

You can tell a lot about someone by the stuff you make up in your head about them.

Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.

Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”

ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”

Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-

Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.

Me: colored diamond.

Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot

Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.

me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink

judge: no

You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.

consequences, the bane of my existence

Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]

Him: How did you get in my house?

If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you

Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.

Other times they’re awake.

My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet

Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.

I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.

[the day after I meet a genie]

boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today

me: *loudly* oh wow so weird

What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?

February 14th.

Imagine the excruciating discomfort of having nothing to say to a child and choosing to compliment it on its gait. I myself don’t have to imagine.

The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.

Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.

My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.

Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.

yesterday at the post office, guy in front of me:
“i’m interested in sending a letter.”
po clerk: “OK do you have the letter?”
guy: “no I do not”.