reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
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I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
lol
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.