Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake

I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”

*first day as getaway driver

“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”

things i’ve picked my teeth with:

– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass

things i’ve never picked my teeth with:

– toothpick

pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes

this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes

Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.

Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.

Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.

I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.

#goodplan

Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.

Judge: Order in the court

[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?

Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.

People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.

My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.

She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.

So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.

David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.

Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-

NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers

Harry Potter Diss Track

Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?

A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.

Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.

Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!

Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey

Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*

Last-minute gift idea!

Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets

I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order

Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?

When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.

I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?

Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits

My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out