Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: *checks Fitbit*

[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!

I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.

[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]

Make a banana annoying.

Her: You’re a dumpster fire

Me: So you think I’m hot??

Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*

My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!

M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?

My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.

So annoying when she does this every week.

I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing

[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”

That’s a stray gerbil.

“And those fish??”

…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM

I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.

A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.

It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.

Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.

People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”

*third date, back at my place*

me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo

I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.

Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?

No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother

I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.

If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.

I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.

10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.

[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right

bears

Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”

I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.

Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear

What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.