Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.

I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.

[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legs

Angel: whoa, intense

God: And and and give em knives for tongues!

Angel: That seems excessive

God: *sigh* Fine, forks

Geez man, take it easy.

A bad analogy is like a cucumber

I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.

😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪

To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.

Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese

5 ways I am superior to a horse:

1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM

made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich

tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards

me: but that means change or rebirth, right?

tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no

8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!

Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.

Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.

I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies

ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…

*looks up from hospital bed*

ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…

ME: Oh.

[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011

Two things I have learned at the beach:

1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet

2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.

Be specific when saying “BYOB”:

[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*

Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.

I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops

Diet diary, day 3

I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.

But the cup cakes were amazing.

Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]

My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.

I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that

Computer: choose a password

Me: mysocks

Computer: confirm password

Me: mysocks

Computer: passwords do not match

I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.

Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.

This January has 47 Mondays

Her: Hi hun.

Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.