Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now

If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name

John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real

Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit

[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]

*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*

I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side

[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance

That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.

Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.

What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.

me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up

boss: hey we’re in a meeting

me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me

Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!

Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…

Him: Ok,enough FFS.

Me: oooo, angry!

[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?

GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]

I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”

Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*

Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird

Losing weight

Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carried

Cons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried

Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.

BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?

Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.

I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.

My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”

Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”

*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*

*grass dies due to lack of water*

Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”

Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.

But science tells us otherwise.

#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.

cop: can you describe the suspect

witness: he was no more than 6 feet

cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god

No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.