Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
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Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Orcas are not our friends
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.
Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.
Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.