REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
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Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
At an art museum and I thought this was art
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.