REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
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My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Person: Home decor is a niche market.
Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby