REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
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My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
But that’s none of my business
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”