Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK

Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.

Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.

{watching a horror movie}

SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!

I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.

I am not a smart woman.

GOOGLE: *please create password*

ME: *Giraffe_Neck*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *The_Revenant*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *CVS_receipt*

GOOGLE: *dude*

you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”

ㅤ

They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.

[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him

I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.

My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.

Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.

“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor

Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.

My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now

[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]

Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM

There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.

Husband: my back hurts

Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???

I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.

A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”

not to brag, but mine was free

I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?

I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.

I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.

angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?

god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun

Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi

Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything

earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads