Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
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This one takes the trophy 😭😭
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to