Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
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Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
mfs be saying “feb” cause they can’t spell februawary
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Today’s tshirt
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Vishnu bud you’re gonna want to sit down for this
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.