Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
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My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
road rage
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal